Have to write my thoughts somewhere. Figured this would be as good a place as any. Of course, my other option was twitter, and my professor follows me there. Also, word limit :(
Been feeling like I have lost my mojo, or witchcraftery, or whatever the hell one would like to call it, off late. Or perhaps I have just been too lousy lately. Or maybe I just haven't used my sorcery nearly as much as I should. The amount of work done, amount of theorems one needs to prove, seems to follow an inverse relation to the amount of work one has in ones horizon. Haven't proved any really interesting theorems off late or gone in depth into a particular subject. Probably some distance in Rings of Continuous functions, but come on, where are my damn standards. That is no distance a real man is proud of.
Have I lost the devilish obsession I had for math? Probably not, I think, probably just a phase. Sachindranath's course kept me on my toes. I was an obsessed rabid dog proving analysis results like there was no tomorrow. Of course, I know I still have it in me somewhere to get back in and start proving results left and right. The "Rut" is, though, going back to old topics and brushing up old theorems. One hits a roadblock pretty soon when the list of "old theorems" becomes big enough to make their own textbooks. Routine work is quite important, linear combinations of old techniques, with a lil bit of that magic sauce, gives new techniques, it kind of "feeds into" the whole mojo part of mathematics, the 'americaaaa, f**k yeah' style of mathematics that gives one the high, but the routine becomes the "Rut" when the mojo part of math is totally gone. The midsem preparation I did kind of told me that this part of math that is in me is still there, but I cannot be reliant on that alone, and I have to, like any other muscle, keep using that muscle to build it (or at least not let it atrophy). Routine work feeds into raw ability, but relying on raw ability alone is not enough, and at some point, one has to fill up the scaffold to build a proper house anyways. Only an idiot builds more scaffold onto scaffolding.
I have been facing the same issues with my music. The same "Rut" of no inspiration. It kind of pisses me of a little. I can't just do things!? I go back to my old work, and it pisses me off even more, because it feels unimaginable that I, in my current state of mind, could come up with that. Its now just random ideas in the air. Perhaps it is a time issue. Spend long enough on these ideas and you have something to show for. I usually don't believe in the "flow state", I just say "Just do the damn thing", but perhaps I should reconsider my words, I might have told them at a time of higher privilege. At any rate, this is not a state of mind I particularly enjoy being in, for I feel it kind of affects my confidence. I did not think that proving theorems, or coming up with interesting melodies or whatever ability I have to do creative work would weigh so much on me. But here we are. Of course, what we take pride in, and those qualities which we adore in our idols, are ultimately that which affects our sense of self worth.
I do believe, though, that if I just keep at my work, something will come back. At least, it should. Else, I got nothing. So much to study. So many things to do. So little time.
Too much serious talk lmao, peepeepoopoo pfrhdhraeblahhhahahah.
